Let me begin by pointing out that I am materialistic and I like shiny things. The shiniest thing that I want right now is of course, the iPhone. But alas, I am with Verizon. And they are ticking me off with this “no iPhone” business. Don’t get me wrong, I love Verizon. Albeit blindly, since I don’t actually have a real reason to love them, but I do. I guess. Except for the whole “No-Service-In-My-Boyfriend’s-Apartment-Where-I-Spend-All-My-Time” thing. Details.
Because of my unmatched Googling prowess, I have recently discovered that I have been directing my shitty-smartphone-induced rage at the wrong entity! I know. Let me be the first to apologize, Verizon. How could I have ever doubted you? I was young and stupid and blinded by all of the user-friendly touchscreen bliss happening around me. We cool?
You may think that I am now shooting e-daggers (iDaggers?) at Apple, player hating on all their proprietary bullshit (DIRECT quote from a certain technologically-inclined boyfriend…) and putting out hits on Steve Jobs, but you’d be wrong. People, the culprit is obvious. Those sons of bitches at AT&T are RUINING my life. Here’s how I found out:
For starters, my blackberry broke (Surprise! Except not.) and I had to decide whether to stay at Verizon and renew my contract for a new phone, stay at Verizon and NOT renew for a factory refurb of my current phone (OMGFML), or jump ship and go to AT&T for the iPhone. So I took my case to the gods of Google. They will help me! They will know the answers! I started by Googling “Motorola Droid X vs. HTC Incredible.” The Droid X basically took every category on that one. So then I searched “Droid X vs. iPhone.” Then I got really sad. Apparently the Droid X is really cool and all and Open Source Software rules, but iPhone did it first, and they did it best. The tech specs are back and forth (X wins some, iPhone wins some) but the user reviews say it all. iPhone for the win.
So then I had to Google “When will Verizon get the
MOTHER F***ING iPhone FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?” and the responses were varied. I tried my best to sift through all the useless rumors and get to the true ones but there are just so many. “iPhone will hit Verizon in July 2011.” “Not until the contract ends in 2012.” “The iPhone is a figment of your imagination.” But then something caught my eye: “Apple places order for CDMA chips to ship in January 2011.” I read a little further in to the article and found out a lot of useful information. Apparently AT&T really likes this certain kind of chip called GSM (Garlicky Salt/Sadness Munchies? they sound kinda gross…) and Verizon likes CDMA chips (Crunchy Delicious/Dominant Munchies A-go-go) and Apple is kinda thinking about trying the CDMAs because Verizon has more friends at their parties (stay with me) where they serve CDMAs and Apple is feeling lonely and AT&T won’t share their GSM chippies because they are jerks. Verizon was like, “Chippies? We can haz? Please?” and AT&T was all, “BUZZ OFF. Get your OWN chippies.” and then Verizon said, “FINE. Maybe we will then.” and AT&T was like, “Okay good. Do it.” and Verizon said, “Cool. We are.” and AT&T got bratty and said, “FINE.” and Verizon was like, “FINE.” So Verizon told Apple that they’re not trying to be rude but they heard GSM chippies suck anyway and that the CDMA chippies are awesome and everyone loves them so Apple was like, “Well okay. They do throw rad parties…” and after that Apple was like, “YO ASIA? We’re gonna need a crapload of CDMA chips, like, pronto because we focus-grouped it and apparently a ton of people would totally leave AT&T’s party and come to Verizon’s if we go over there and AT&T’s party is kinda dying down and we’re getting repeats on their playlist and the food is running low and Sprint’s dumb ass is like two hours away and we hear they have a cash bar. Tacky. Not even on our radar. Anyways, I mean, you can only get in to Verizon’s party if you bring CDMA chips. And it sounds really fun in there. And we think we heard karaoke? And NFL Blitz tournaments? And Dominos messed up the order and sent THREE free pizzas to apologize!? So…yeah…CHIPS. STAT. PLEASE. Kthanks.”
So, as you can see, this is CLEARLY all AT&T’s fault. For being bastards. I mean, what’s the big damn deal AT&T? Your party was cool but it’s getting late and I’ve heard that Verizon’s after-party is poppin’ off. You can’t blame Apple for wanting to get in on that. Don’t be assholes about it. It sounds to me like Verizon is totes gearing up for a MASSIVE throw-down in late January. Amiright? So I ordered my factory refurb and am crossing my fingers that the iPhone is coming and I can use my upgrade to get it VERY. SOON.
That was a struggle to type….probably more of a struggle to read. I am really very broken up about all this animosity. Verizon hates to make AT&T feel bad about their party but it is what it is. It’s not Verizon’s fault that people at AT&T’s house are texting their friends to call them and fake an emergency so that OH NOOO I’m gonna have to leave suddenly right nowww to take care of this I’m so sorryyy it was really fun and I’m so disappointedddd. SHUT IT DOWN.
I love you, iPhone. I will wait for you. As long as it takes. Don’t let them bully you into staying at at shitty house party when you KNOW you wanna come over and karaoke Boys 2 Men.