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Boring.

Since I’m easing back in to blogging, it might be boring for a while.

Tim and I have been talking a lot about the future. Saving. Houses. Babies. Moving. GOALS.

Our biggest goal for 2013 is a financial one. Tim has worked really hard and done very well at his job over the last year. I am one lucky SOB and have managed to find and do well at a job that I really enjoy (most of the time.) These circumstances combined with Tim’s amazing spreadsheets and guidance have put us in a really good position right now. A really unique and rare position for newlyweds our age, actually. I am eternally grateful for that quality in Tim. His planning ability combined and my realism is a great combination. Together we are laying out a plan for our life together that will make us able to weather almost any storm – at least financially – and it’s no big secret that financial stress and arguments about money often lead otherwise unhappy couples straight to Splitsville. I truly feel like if that part of our life is predictable and reliable, it will be much easier to maintain a happy and healthy relationship.

Lately, I have been worried about this because I know that my current income is part of the reason we are able to save so aggressively and I really believe that the plan we have made is the best one for us. It’s troubling because my job is extremely stressful. I feel almost constantly overwhelmed and can’t remember the last time I was completely caught up on everything. That is kind of the nature of my job and I am certainly not alone in my plight – all of my coworkers feel the same way. Like we are just making it through sometimes.

Like I said, I love most aspects of my job and I feel that I am in the right place, but knowing that in the next few years we will likely relocate or have a baby (and part of our plan is to create a scenario where I can stay home when our babies are small), I struggle to justify to myself if it is all worth it if there is an expiration date. I have been exploring other possibilities and trying to decide what is right for Tim and I and just keep going in circles. Of course, I want to put us in a position to be able to do the things we want and build a life together. To buy a house, to have kids, to travel together, and to do all these things without having to struggle through or live paycheck to paycheck. More importantly, I know that our financial stability is not negotiable in Tim’s eyes. It is more than a goal to him. He does not feel stable or secure without it. Doing my part to reach those goals is the biggest way I can show him that our marriage is my top priority. Tim does a lot to ensure my happiness. This is the most important way for me to return the favor.

But.

I just don’t know if I can keep up this speed for two more years! I wish I could see the future and know if leaving my job or changing my path would lead us to certain ruin. Obviously, that is probably unlikely. Certain ruin is a pretty strong phrase.

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Oh the times, they are a-changin’

Thinking of updating the old blog again…

Counting My Chickens

I am laying on my bottom bunk in my apartment in New York. Today was fun. The people I like were here and we went to Target and ate lunch and sat around all night drinking wine (them) and telling stories (me) and talking about how miserable all of us are and how no one else will ever understand how strange and testing this kind of life really is. It was wonderful.

Now I’m trying to fall asleep so I won’t be completely exhausted on my flight(s) home tomorrow, but I’m too…something…wait a second – is that – excitement? Like a little girl on the eve of the birthday on which she JUST KNOWS she is getting a bike? The purple one? With different speeds? Yes. I think that’s what it is. I am excited.

I haven’t seen Tim in weeks (again) and I have so much to tell him.

Like how I met his Uncle Al and stayed in his family’s apartment in Manhattan to escape Lady Irene. A perfect little Upper West Side abode that I was welcomed in to like family and then given reign over the Netflix. I never got to meet his Aunt Jen or cousin Roman as they were weekending in The Catskills, but I talked to them on the phone and felt like they knew me. They left the door open for me and let me stay in their home while they while they were all out of town for two days and set out sheets and towels. Like you would do for your best friend that you’ve known for years who needs a place to sleep out the storm. Not the girl claiming to be engaged to the nephew you haven’t seen in years. I felt welcomed. I left them a loaf of bread and a full jar of grape jelly because I couldn’t find anything better at the time. But I will.

I loved it, honestly. When the weather permitted, I got to take a little walk around a part of New York I had never been to before. I made deliberate turns and talked on my phone and pretended that I lived in Manhattan and was just out doing the sorts of things New Yorkers need to take care of the morning after a hurricane. I don’t think they were any the wiser. It was nice to be in a city again and surrounded by people who know nothing about you but somehow understand your plight just because you’re in the same place at the same time. Nothing brings people together like a natural disaster. Or at least the threat of one. I miss the silent camaraderie that lends itself to cities with such loyal inhabitants. You are never really alone.

I will also tell my Tim that I didn’t get a transfer back to Atlanta yet, but that I’m beginning to think that’s okay. After all, I miss Atlanta terribly and I think of her often and fondly, but I know I will get back there eventually. I just need to get better at waiting. I think Tim will be proud of this effort to practice positive and forward thinking. Even if he knows me well enough to know that it is only a matter of days before I find myself in a pit of despair pining for my sweet city. Oh, well. At least he understands what a hard time I am having adjusting to the move and the job and the whole crazy mess. He knows that the mood swings and mind changes and constant new resolves to turn it all around are just part of my process. I will get there. I am getting there. That is why he will be so happy to hear that I sat up all night because I was too excited to sleep.

Excited to be going home.

 And I think I will sleep just fine tomorrow night. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…I have a tendency to call takebacks on guarantees like that.

I’m getting there.

One is silver and the other… elusive

SO here we are in sunny California. The weather is nice, Tim is enjoying his job, the food is amazing. And…I’m lonely. This bi-coastal lifestyle is hard. When I’m in New york, I’m usually alone. When I’m at work, I’m with strangers. When I’m in Cali, Tim is at work. How do you make new friends as an adult?

I am considering a part-time job so that I could hang out with people in a non-creeper setting.

Other than that, I pretty much just feel…isolated.

To make matters worse, that makes me feel guilty.

Homeless.

I got to come home (not really anymore but it still feels that way) for one day only this week. It has been bittersweet.

I got to go out with the ORIGINAL Fantastic Four so that was wonderful. I miss them. I miss here.

Brittney and me sat up all night talking about last summer. How we remember it as the best summer of our lives even though when we were living it it was kinda tough. I think we got each other through it.

I have to go back to New York tonight. Gross.

I am pretty surprised by my reaction to New York. I kinda thought I would love it. Maybe it’s just the circumstances that kill it for me. Whenever I am there, I’m two things: Away from home/friends/Tim and at work. Not a great combination. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job – I am just having a hard time being away from everything. And I’m alone there a lot which is never good for me. The girls I live with in NYC are wonderful and amazing and I love them, but that doesn’t make it home.

California is giving me mixed reactions. On the one hand, Tim is there. The weather is beautiful, not to mention the scenery. It feels like I am in a screensaver out there. The food is great and we live right outside one of the coolest cities in the United States: San Francisco. But I’m struggling. I feel alone there. I feel like Tim and I will never make friends and if we do they won’t be like our Atlanta friends. I guess I just need to look forward. I know that this was a good decision for Tim’s career and I can work from anywhere but I am feeling pretty guilty about some of my emotions regarding the move. I feel like Tim has so much opportunity there and is excited about his job and I was left out of that decision. Even though I KNOW that was not the case. That’s why it makes my feel so guilty to even have thoughts like that. Like I don’t like it there or I’m afraid it was a mistake. Because I love Tim and I trust him to make decisions that are best for both of us. I know that is what he has done. I know it will get better and we will settle in and make friends and soon enough I will love our life there. I just…don’t. Yet.

And it is REALLY hard to split my time between coasts. Especially when one of those coasts has Tim and I am on the complete wrong end of the other. I have GOT to get out of New York.

So Atlanta isn’t home anymore. And New York definitely isn’t home. But California doesn’t really feel like home either.

Oh, God. I’m a drifter.

Oh look! Another long, incoherent stream-of-consciousness post! It’s been a while!

You’re welcome.

Oh, Atlanta

I will be going home to Atlanta this Friday. For the last time.

It’s hard to believe that after this month, I will no longer call Georgia my home. It’s even harder to believe that I will probably never live there (at least not full-time) again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Tim and I am excited about moving and I am very proud of how hard he has worked to afford us this opportunity.

But it’s my home. And I’m leaving.

Honestly, at this point it doesn’t seem real to me. I can’t really comprehend a scenario where Atlanta is not home base. I hate to say that a place defines me, because I know there is much more to me than that, but it has. It still does. My values, my attitude, my accent. Just about every part of me is Southern. It’s gonna be tough to walk away, no matter the circumstances.

I struggled with this since the first time it became a real possibility. Tim always listened to my concerns and was so understanding and much to my surprise, almost everyone in my family thought it was a great idea. “Why not now?” they said. “What an adventure!” All that enthusiasm makes it tough to question. All my fears and doubts have become guilt. If everyone else is so excited it’s not really fair for me to feel sad or scared, is it? I want to go. I do. I really think it will be fun but it’s one thing to leave your hometown; we pretty much couldn’t have gone any further without a passport. It’s going to be more than just an “adjustment.”

At any rate, things are being packed. Arrangements are being made to ship everything we own across the country. There’s no turning back now. Luckily, the closer it gets, the less interest I have in turning back. It’s sad, yes. But it’s thrilling, too. And Atlanta isn’t going anywhere. I can come back anytime I want and feel the city that I love. See the people who know me the best. Eat the food that builds a true Georgia Peach, hips and all. I guess it’s time to start embracing the future.

On that note, I can’t wait to get settled into our new place in California. It’s wonderful. My favorite thing about it is being in a valley. That’s not just a thing they say; we are literally surrounded by mountains. It’s staggering to say the least – every direction holds a breathtaking view. You ALL have to come visit. We have a spare bedroom. Contact me for bookings.

I also like that Tim will get to be in the epicenter of his industry. Not a lot of people get the opportunity to immerse themselves in their chosen field so early on in their career. I mean, seriously. It’s Nerd Mecca. I can tell that he is very ready to start his new job and start learning. One of my favorite things about Tim is his insatiable hunger for knowledge. He will never be satisfied with what he knows and Silicon Valley is the mothership. Certainly no shortage of information there.

Oh, and all the golf courses are ridiculous. We found a few that are literally on top of a mountain. AND YOU WON’T BE INVITED. (Anchorman? Anyone? No? Onward…) So Tim will be very happy about that. Maybe I will get better at golf. We’ll see.

In conclusion, I think everything is going to be wonderful. I think I will miss Atlanta terribly, but NorCal has some amazing adventures to offer. The world is what you make of it.

 

Don’t forget me, Atlanta! I’ll be back!

 

I get a feeling in me
When I remember all those crazy days and crazier nights
Can’t you hear the music playing?
You must have heard them saying
We’re gonna rip ’em up and light up the night

Oh, Atlanta
I hear you calling
I’m coming back to you one fine day
No need to worry
There ain’t no hurry cause I’m
On my way back to Georgia

 

So this is the new year.

So Tim and I are engaged. And we are moving to California in three weeks. And it is all just SO wonderful. If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I would be in May 2011, this is pretty much the very last scenario I would have come up with (seeing as how Tim and I hadn’t met yet this time last year…) but I couldn’t be more excited. So there’s that. No, we haven’t set the date, but it will probably be Spring 2012 since we kinda have a lot going on in the next few months.

For the most part, I am loving my job. I have had occasional bouts of severe homesickness (since I usually go to NYC for 2-3 weeks at a time) but it is still SO much fun. It is pretty strange to work with strangers 99% of the time, but it’s also really cool to get to know so many different people. A guy I flew with recently said “Don’t you think that every time you meet your new crew it’s like a twisted first date?” and that is SO true! Except on this date you’re stuck with them for (usually) two or three days. For better or worse. Ha. So far I have had pretty good luck with my crews. Even made a couple of friends already! Just wondering how I am going to be able to deal with commuting from the west coast. The time change alone can take a few days to adjust to, so I think I am just going to stay on Eastern time since I won’t be working the time that I’m in Cali. We’ll see.

I wish I had a little collapsible guitar or piano to fool with when I’m in NYC (and various other cities, towns, and villages) because I have been writing a LOT. All this craziness makes for some pretty decent songs.

Sorry this one is short. I will update later with the proposal story and pictures. Teaser: Joe had a key role. And he did exactly what you would expect him to do in that role. And might be wanted in the metro area now…

K